Life’s choices


He walks past the same cafes, bars, ice cream parlours, looking in, taking in the bustle, the sight of occupied tables, diners, dates and drinks. Life. Other people’s lives. It has been years since he last walked these streets. Much has changed. So much. Yet … so little.

Years. Yet the the same sense of longing, loneliness, and sadness floats a few steps ahead, preceeds him. At moments like this, it is so easy to anticipate the feelings. That ‘sense’, those ‘feelings’ hit reality, bouncing back at him with force, and again, becoming stronger, sadder, that much more hopeless, desparate. Like a snowball – once it starts, it is hard to stop it.

It starts with wanting it all. Desirous of everything at once, as the quote goes. Maybe a belief that it can be done, it could be possible. A few thoughts, a few doubts, and it is no longer all that clear.

Chaos. There are suddenly three options. Four. The same ones. “Maybe I should …” “Maybe I could …”,”I should have done that five years ago. Why didn’t I continue with it?”. Many options, and so hard to decide on the right one. Chaos. Idecisiveness. Defeat.

Difficult to understand how a person can be so torn. How is it possible that someone at that age, still has not decided what they want to do with their life? Thoughts are in chaos. This open the door wide open, with doubt and anxiety coming in to take over.

Some would gloss over the details, not overthink it, and come to the enthusiastic conclusion: There has been so much success. The years have brought so many positive changes. Loneliness is a feeling of the past. Defeat should be a distant consideration. No. Not he. He thinks. Needs a plan for the future. Is it ambition? Need to belong? A need to feel deserving of a pat on the back?

It will pass, and chaotic enthusiasm will sweep his spirits up to appreciate the freedoms his decisions have brought him.  Hopeful and lucky. Ready to face the future.